Recently I was reading Off Season by Anne Rivers Siddons. She is a favorite novelist of mine-savvy and smart. In this particular novel I was stopped by her description of surviving the "fall" after a loved one dies. In this case it was the death of a spouse but her description fits with any loss of a close family member or friend.
Until recently my life has been blessed with little tragedy. Those family members who died were the older members, those who had lived full lives and their time had come. And, though, we mourned their passing, there was a natural order to things. That is until we lost my 19-year-old nephew.
It's been 18 months since Skyler died, towards the end of his first semester in college. The initial shock of this unexpected death was unlike anything I had ever lived through. I literally had trouble catching my breath. The days that followed left me numb. Moving through those days felt like acting, like we were on a movie set acting out a particularly tragic family event.
The ensuing months have proven that one does survive. That parents survive the loss of a beloved child and that extended family feels the pain in their own fashion; although always mindful of the immediate family and their loss.
People ask me all the time, "How is your sister doing?" I am never sure how to answer. She is living, she is eating, she is working, she socializes, parents her living child, laughs, celebrates life events. So... on the surface she is doing well. Despite this, I know there are deep, dark moments, that have probably lessened in severity but will follow her all of her days. I know holidays suck. I know she sometimes has a bitter outlook on life. Yet, somehow she survives. As does her husband and her daughter.
What everyone wonders is how? As parents we think we could never survive the loss of a child, though we all know of parents who do. Once you've lost a young family member it's as though people come out of the woodwork telling their loss stories. A coworker who lost her brother when he was 18. Although it's been 20 years, her mother still morns the anniversary of his death in a deep and sorrowful way. A neighbor who lost her son to polio in the 50's and still speaks of him as though he is a living being. The family in your church who survived the loss of two children. You see them in church. You know they get up each morning, work, live, eat. So we do know that most do survive.
I imagine there are some who don't, who slip into deep despair and never recover. And I've wondered why can some people go on and eventually live full, seemingly satisfying lives and others can't move on. That brings me back to the Siddons novel. In it she describes what's it's like each morning, following the death of a loved one, to wake up and for a split second all is okay and than you remember.
"Anyone who has lost a love to death can tell you about that fall. You wake from a hard-won sleep and lie there warm and groggy and consider engaging the day. And then you remember. half of you is not there, and never will be again. The agony is too much; you almost welcome the great slide ahead of you. But there is no oblivion in it. Only a blackness and an endless well of red pain."
"At the very first, the effort to haul yourself out of the pit hand over hand seems impossible, and, indeed, unnecessary. What is there up top for you? But somehow you begin; I know few people who have truly surrendered to the blackness, even at the beginning, when a leftover life seems to hold nothing to give you life. Many of us have other lives, other beings, that wait for us to minister to them, and on their shoulders we toil, finally far enough up to begin to stumble forward. I do not know what happens to people who have no family, close friends, or animals. Perhaps they simply do not come back up. Or perhaps they are steelier souls than ever I could be."
Those passages spoke to me and though I knew on some level that was the very reason my sister and her family have survived, I had never seen it so eloquently written. My sister survives because she has a husband and a daughter and a spoiled, much loved dog; because she has amazing friends that go back a lifetime and because she lives in a community that embraced them at the time of Skyler's death.
I can think of no better reason to cherish and nurture those you love than to know that sometime in the future, when you are falling into an abyss of despair, they will be there to pull you out, to breathe life back into you and need you to go on living. That's how one survives the death of a loved one. You do it because those you love depend on you to do so.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Planning a Daughter's Wedding
My 2nd eldest is getting married on September 5, 2009. This will be the first wedding in our family. The engagement occurred just prior to Christmas. It didn't come as a big surprise. You see, daughter number 2 can't keep a secret and everyone knew the momentous occasion was just around the corner. However, the groom had other ideas and what we thought would happen any day turned into several months.
The joy in Ali's voice when she finally got that ring on her finger was precious. Voice trembling, she called late on a Saturday night and told us they were on their way over. It was near midnight. Her dad and I made ourselves presentable, looked for something suitable to toast the occasion and patiently waited for them to arrive- beaming all the while. Joy ensued and all in attendance congratulated the happy couple.
Now here is the "bad mommy" part. I never really looked forward to this. Okay, it gets worse, I kind of dreaded it. Yes, I hoped my children would find a life mate and yes, I hoped they would marry in a somewhat traditional manner, but I never daydreamed about planning their weddings. I know moms who do. I know moms who only have boys and regret that they won't ever be planning a wedding. Not me. I anticipated a lot of contention, stress, worry about money, extra work, etc.
But guess what? I've found there is some of that but not even close to the degree I worried about. What I've found instead is that planning your daughter's wedding is just what these other moms dreamed about- a special life experience that occurs once ('cause it better not happen again!). A time in your life that is set apart from all others. I shouldn't have worried but I admit to sometimes being a "glass half empty" kind of gal.
So there you are. Your daughter is engaged. The toasts have been made, the good news has been passed along to friends and family, congrats shared with the future in-laws and then reality sets in. Okay... we've got to plan this thing. First, a date must be set. Sounds simple? Nope! You have to take into account the bride's family, the groom's family, extended family, weather, site availability and a reasonable amount of time to plan without undue stress. The groom wanted to get married sooner rather then later. The bride wanted cooler weather and the church wasn't available until the latter. So, the bride won and September 5th it is.
After some initial hustle, there was a lovely lull in the spring. All the most important components were in place and there was no need to start in on the million minute details. The details I had been dreading for months. But before we knew it, we were four months out and once again we're thick in the middle of it, with numerous phone calls back and forth, errands to run, decisions to be made, problems to be solved. In addition we are on a tight budget and working hard to stick to it. This means we have to be creative. We're making the invitations, programs and table decorations ourselves. Fortunately Ali's future sister-in-law designed the invites and is actively overseeing their completion. This is good, for we are not a crafty family.
Actually, I can be creative when I get inspired. Problem is many of my inspirations come in the night- late in the night. I find myself stumbling around in the dark, looking for a sticky note and pen. When I wake in the morning my scribbles are not exactly legible but usually adequate enough to spark my memory. Happily some of those inspirations have panned out and I believe will make the day even more special.
After the flurry of the last few weeks, important decisions have been made, the budget is still in tact and I think, once again, things will slow for a bit. My plan for the next months is to be so on top of every detail that all goes off as expected but I am savvy enough to know all about "best laid plans"...blah,blah,blah.
Amazingly, in the midst of all the work , and the occasional headache and grumpiness, I find I am getting a tickle in my stomach; a tickle of anticipation. My lovely daughter is getting married, family is coming from afar to celebrate and it is indeed a wonderful thing. Let the fun begin!
VSL
The joy in Ali's voice when she finally got that ring on her finger was precious. Voice trembling, she called late on a Saturday night and told us they were on their way over. It was near midnight. Her dad and I made ourselves presentable, looked for something suitable to toast the occasion and patiently waited for them to arrive- beaming all the while. Joy ensued and all in attendance congratulated the happy couple.
Now here is the "bad mommy" part. I never really looked forward to this. Okay, it gets worse, I kind of dreaded it. Yes, I hoped my children would find a life mate and yes, I hoped they would marry in a somewhat traditional manner, but I never daydreamed about planning their weddings. I know moms who do. I know moms who only have boys and regret that they won't ever be planning a wedding. Not me. I anticipated a lot of contention, stress, worry about money, extra work, etc.
But guess what? I've found there is some of that but not even close to the degree I worried about. What I've found instead is that planning your daughter's wedding is just what these other moms dreamed about- a special life experience that occurs once ('cause it better not happen again!). A time in your life that is set apart from all others. I shouldn't have worried but I admit to sometimes being a "glass half empty" kind of gal.
So there you are. Your daughter is engaged. The toasts have been made, the good news has been passed along to friends and family, congrats shared with the future in-laws and then reality sets in. Okay... we've got to plan this thing. First, a date must be set. Sounds simple? Nope! You have to take into account the bride's family, the groom's family, extended family, weather, site availability and a reasonable amount of time to plan without undue stress. The groom wanted to get married sooner rather then later. The bride wanted cooler weather and the church wasn't available until the latter. So, the bride won and September 5th it is.
After some initial hustle, there was a lovely lull in the spring. All the most important components were in place and there was no need to start in on the million minute details. The details I had been dreading for months. But before we knew it, we were four months out and once again we're thick in the middle of it, with numerous phone calls back and forth, errands to run, decisions to be made, problems to be solved. In addition we are on a tight budget and working hard to stick to it. This means we have to be creative. We're making the invitations, programs and table decorations ourselves. Fortunately Ali's future sister-in-law designed the invites and is actively overseeing their completion. This is good, for we are not a crafty family.
Actually, I can be creative when I get inspired. Problem is many of my inspirations come in the night- late in the night. I find myself stumbling around in the dark, looking for a sticky note and pen. When I wake in the morning my scribbles are not exactly legible but usually adequate enough to spark my memory. Happily some of those inspirations have panned out and I believe will make the day even more special.
After the flurry of the last few weeks, important decisions have been made, the budget is still in tact and I think, once again, things will slow for a bit. My plan for the next months is to be so on top of every detail that all goes off as expected but I am savvy enough to know all about "best laid plans"...blah,blah,blah.
Amazingly, in the midst of all the work , and the occasional headache and grumpiness, I find I am getting a tickle in my stomach; a tickle of anticipation. My lovely daughter is getting married, family is coming from afar to celebrate and it is indeed a wonderful thing. Let the fun begin!
VSL
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
30 Years Married!!!
Today is my 30th wedding anniversary. That's just crazy because you document the number and acknowledge the truth of the number but it just sounds like we must be a couple old geezers. And, while I don't exactly feel young and I firmly believe life experiences have only made me better, I sure don't feel old. Yet, here we are, 30 years married. What?
I can't even remember what it felt like to be newlyweds. We married young. I was 20 and Craig was 22. We moved three hours away from friends and family and went home every weekend; not yet ready to be completely grown up, still wanting to hang with our college friends and be catered to by our parents.
Weekdays found us poor, in a small apartment, eating budget meals and counting pennies (literally) to go buy an ice cream or some other treat. Weekends found us mooching off our parents and partying with friends. The first year went relatively smoothly. We'd been together long enough that there weren't any big surprises. I was fortunate to have married a man who loved deeply and put a lot of effort into making sure I was happy. That treatment has continued all our married life.
Those early years were full of firsts: first pet, first house, first child (then a 2nd and a 3rd). There was barely time to breathe, let alone contemplate what we wanted out of our life. And, there were tough times. Times when one or the other of us was discontented, stressed, filled with doubt. Is this all there is? Where's the fun? What happened to all those dreams we had? Or, maybe I should say, I had. Craig wasn't (and still isn't ) much of a dreamer. He doesn't need much beyond food, home and family. I think that may be true of many men. While we women suffer needs and wants in a more profound way.
Turning 40 was a hard time for me. The kids were in school and while my job wasn't entirely done, I had no earthly idea what to do next. I was stuck and filled with inertia. An inertia that led me to be extremely discontented. I WANTED MORE!!! That need worked its way into the essence of our marriage and we had to do some serious work. It was not an easy time- lots of pain, lots of compromise, lots of anxiety. And... then it eased. That need to see what else was out there, to move beyond my family. We moved and that in itself was an adventure. An adventure that led to a deep healing and a renewal in our marriage. As cheesy as this sounds, I actually heard a phrase for this. Okay, it was on Oprah, but it seriously made sense. I "surrendered to my marriage."
I think the best advice I could give to those contemplating marriage is that it won't be anywhere near perfect, there will be stagnant times, there will be times you don't even like each other very much but if all the basic components are there (basic respect, love of family, similar values, etc.) yet, you still find yourself unhappy, you may find you need to just surrender to what it is. That means accepting your spouse for all his or her shortcomings, and, once you do that, and once you really accept them, the love will sustain.
Those lessons seem basic and simple but until you really need them and apply them, you don't get it. I learned to love my husband for who he is- warts and all. And, I must say he is one of the best men I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. Not only does he put others needs before his own and love his family deeply but he has evolved into one really cool, smart guy. Despite months and years of familiarity, it's amazing how your spouse can still surprise you.
Recently I had to undergo major surgery. While I was out of it on morphine, my sister observed his care of me. (I was a bit psycho at times). She told me , with a catch in her voice, that she had never seen such pure love. I don't know how I got so lucky or how he's put up with me all these years. Really, I'm not being humble here. I can be seriously high maintenance at times.
....But lucky I got.
I have no idea what the future will bring but I do know that we are in it for the long haul. I know that (God willing) I will be there to see him as a grandfather, I will be there when he retires and I will be there to see him old and bent.
Happy Anniversary my lovely husband!
Lucky Me...
VSL
I can't even remember what it felt like to be newlyweds. We married young. I was 20 and Craig was 22. We moved three hours away from friends and family and went home every weekend; not yet ready to be completely grown up, still wanting to hang with our college friends and be catered to by our parents.
Weekdays found us poor, in a small apartment, eating budget meals and counting pennies (literally) to go buy an ice cream or some other treat. Weekends found us mooching off our parents and partying with friends. The first year went relatively smoothly. We'd been together long enough that there weren't any big surprises. I was fortunate to have married a man who loved deeply and put a lot of effort into making sure I was happy. That treatment has continued all our married life.
Those early years were full of firsts: first pet, first house, first child (then a 2nd and a 3rd). There was barely time to breathe, let alone contemplate what we wanted out of our life. And, there were tough times. Times when one or the other of us was discontented, stressed, filled with doubt. Is this all there is? Where's the fun? What happened to all those dreams we had? Or, maybe I should say, I had. Craig wasn't (and still isn't ) much of a dreamer. He doesn't need much beyond food, home and family. I think that may be true of many men. While we women suffer needs and wants in a more profound way.
Turning 40 was a hard time for me. The kids were in school and while my job wasn't entirely done, I had no earthly idea what to do next. I was stuck and filled with inertia. An inertia that led me to be extremely discontented. I WANTED MORE!!! That need worked its way into the essence of our marriage and we had to do some serious work. It was not an easy time- lots of pain, lots of compromise, lots of anxiety. And... then it eased. That need to see what else was out there, to move beyond my family. We moved and that in itself was an adventure. An adventure that led to a deep healing and a renewal in our marriage. As cheesy as this sounds, I actually heard a phrase for this. Okay, it was on Oprah, but it seriously made sense. I "surrendered to my marriage."
I think the best advice I could give to those contemplating marriage is that it won't be anywhere near perfect, there will be stagnant times, there will be times you don't even like each other very much but if all the basic components are there (basic respect, love of family, similar values, etc.) yet, you still find yourself unhappy, you may find you need to just surrender to what it is. That means accepting your spouse for all his or her shortcomings, and, once you do that, and once you really accept them, the love will sustain.
Those lessons seem basic and simple but until you really need them and apply them, you don't get it. I learned to love my husband for who he is- warts and all. And, I must say he is one of the best men I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. Not only does he put others needs before his own and love his family deeply but he has evolved into one really cool, smart guy. Despite months and years of familiarity, it's amazing how your spouse can still surprise you.
Recently I had to undergo major surgery. While I was out of it on morphine, my sister observed his care of me. (I was a bit psycho at times). She told me , with a catch in her voice, that she had never seen such pure love. I don't know how I got so lucky or how he's put up with me all these years. Really, I'm not being humble here. I can be seriously high maintenance at times.
....But lucky I got.
I have no idea what the future will bring but I do know that we are in it for the long haul. I know that (God willing) I will be there to see him as a grandfather, I will be there when he retires and I will be there to see him old and bent.
Happy Anniversary my lovely husband!
Lucky Me...
VSL
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