Life Changes

We got the call in the wee hours Monday morning that my Uncle Jack had died. It wasn't a great surprise, we knew the end was near. In recent days every time the phone rang, my heart would skip a beat and I'd think... is this the call? When it did actually ring, the hour was early enough that I knew no respectful person would be calling, meaning it could only be bad news. I knew, of course, what this call meant before I even opened my eyes. Coincidentally, this call came on the first day of a new job. A job that came to me after 10 long, long months. Death is funny like that. It doesn't wait until it's convenient. Death arrives in its time, with no consideration for others.

Honestly, between new job nerves and the early hour call with the terrible news, I really thought I might vomit from anxiety. I hated that I couldn't realistically go to the far away funeral. I felt torn. One week earlier and I would have been there in a heartbeat but I couldn't quite imagine asking for time off from my first week in a new job- a job that took so long to come my way.

I must digress...

It's amazing to me that I haven't found the time to write about this exciting change in my life. After 9 months of daily searches for the right job, nine excruciating job interviews and a harrowing week waiting for a phone call that would put me back in the work force, the call finally came. It was the job I wanted. It came a week later then I was told to expect to hear from them. I was in quite the gloomy state of mind, certain someone else had received MY call. I tried to tell myself it went to someone more deserving, maybe a single mom with four kids unsure where the next meal was coming from. It didn't really help but, hey, I needed somehow to accept I'd failed again.

And then the call came. It was just the best news. Right up there with those kind of calls that let you know someone is getting married, or having a baby or just got a huge promotion. It was one of those kind of calls. I was just ecstatic.

My start date wasn't scheduled until after Thanksgiving, giving me a week and a half to fit in all those things I would no longer be able to do- stay up late, watch terrible Lifetime movies, read in the middle of the day, lunch with friends, celebrate with family and enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday. I soaked it all up, knowing I would soon be back to accruing time off.

All the while I was so grateful. Grateful that not only did I finally land a job but this was THE job- working for an organization I believe in, great hours, better pay then I expected, a short drive from my house. It was all I had hoped for. I can't tell you how many people, over these past months, told me, "The right job just hasn't come along." I scoffed. What did they know? They had jobs. They didn't know what it was like looking in this economy.

Know what? I think maybe they were right. I half expected I would end up in some job that I hated but was necessary for our financial survival. Yet, I kept holding out hope I'd end up somewhere I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. To tell the truth, I really didn't want a single other job I had applied for. I wanted this one. So... unlike past jobs I was more excited then nervous. I was looking forward to it. Ten months out of work is plenty of time off. Plenty of time to reach a frame of mind that allows you to really want to get back to work.

Which brings me back to the present...

Today ends my official first week of work. With all the happy anticipation, I'd forgotten how hard those first days and weeks are. It is just flat overwhelming. You have to learn the people, their names, their titles. You have to determine the hierarchy, the departments, your physical surroundings and how to navigate your computer, set up your phone. Then there is the most insidious aspect- figuring out the culture and the office politics. And, of course, you've got to learn the job. Where to start? It feels like too much. Your head spins. It makes your brain tired. It makes your body tired. You find yourself floundering and feeling terribly inadequate. I told Craig last night, "I think I way oversold myself." First days in a new job are lonely.

But... this I know. It will get better. All new jobs start out hard and eventually you figure it out and things improve and with that comes peace of mind. I remind myself that I have ALWAYS learned my job. I have ALWAYS been a devoted employee. I have ALWAYS made close friends in the workplace. For my personal comfort, it is vital to me that I find that one person (at least one), that person I trust, the one I can vent to, the one who shares workplace information (I hesitate to use the word gossip), the one I can turn to when I am feeling baffled, when I'm feeling down. The one who cares who Vicky is. I won't feel entirely comfortable until this person is found.

I remember so clearly the first friend I made in my last job. I was a few weeks into it, still struggling, when something very unusual happened at our staff meeting. I think my mouth was hanging open when I looked up and saw a co-worker wink at me. That was it. I was in her office with the door shut by that afternoon and we remain friends until this day. And, the job before that, I had my soda break friend. Those breaks were essential to our sanity. She, too, remains a dear friend.

I have faith this job will be all I want it to be. I have faith I will connect with my co-workers. But most of all I have faith this will be my last job, 'cause it damn well better be. I am NOT going through this again.

Each day I become more comfortable in my new work environment. Today brought a couple real conversations. I created a timeline that eased my unease. I focused on priorities and learned a little bit more.

And, all the while, as I was trying to focus on the job at hand, I imagined my family laying Uncle Jack to rest. Today was his memorial service and I heard it was magnificent. Jack's career as a professor at his local university, combined with 40 years spent in the same small, West Virginia town drew a crowd. Five loved ones spoke, including my father. The church was full and while I celebrated small workplace victories, my family celebrated the life of my dear Uncle Jack. Oh, how I wish I'd been there. Life can just be so complicated.

Through all of this, here is what I know:

Change is a constant. I will survive this job. And, while my new life change in no way compares to my Aunt Judy's, she will survive her loss and we will both be surrounded with love and support. LIFE will go on.

I can do this, I can do this.

VSL

What Else?

Life has thrown us some serious curve balls in the past couple of years. I'm now nine months out of work and looking daily. It takes a toll on you. Your life is up in the air, resulting in an underlying anxiety you can't quite shake. Headlines, unemployment rates and job loss stories intrude daily, reeking havoc on your attempts to keep yourself calm and focused. In today's world you're lucky to get an interview and even luckier if you land the job. Fact is... there just aren't enough to go around.

So, while you struggle to live on a diminished income and hope that next interview is your lucky break, you just don't want to even contemplate that it could get worse. But, of course it can. And, for Craig and I, it did. My husband's employer announced last week they will close the facility he works in- late summer. We are fortunate we have some months to prepare but seriously, this is scary. Both out of work? That's not good... scary, scary stuff.

Best case scenario: Craig wraps things up with his current employer, gets his severance pay and lands a job that starts soon after ( with no lapse in health insurance coverage). In the meantime, I find employment, get settled into the position and life goes on, slightly battered but hopeful for the future.

Worst case scenario: Neither of us find employment. This goes on too long and we lose everything.

Craig and I are now in the same boat as millions of Americans. According to today's paper there are 15,000,000 of us chasing 3,000,000 jobs. Making matters worse, Craig and I are too young to retire and reaching the age less inticing to potential employers. It's strange to think your age may make a difference in your employment status. Anyone in their 50's knows you don't feel old. I know I am wiser, savvier and way, way more awesome than in my younger days.
I'd like to say I really don't think the worse will happen but after having lived through the loss of a young family member, I now KNOW the worse can and does happen. You don't feel safe after such a life-altering tragedy. The worst is happening all around this nation of ours. And, while, I'm not exactly a glass half full kind of gal, I would also ascertain I'm not a doomsdayer either. I guess somewhere in between optimism and pessimism is this uneasy feeling that life as we know it really could change.

My sister reminds me that one thing we have going for us is family. No matter what happens, none of us will ever be without food and shelter. We're covered. Family would always be there. I know this, and it's comforting, but I don't really don't want to put family charity to the test.

Despite these troubling times, it is intriguing to find myself so increasingly grateful for what I do have. Like many Americans, I've always wanted more. But when life interferes and material things become tenuous, you just want to hold on to what you've got, making you realize their worth.

Not long ago, Craig and I were considering moving to a final home, one that we've dreamed about for a long time. Now, the house I live in seems so precious to me. This house and the things in this house. All the little worse for wear, not worth anything substantial. But it's my stuff. Stuff I value and don't want to lose. No more yearning for the house with character, the car, the big screen TV, the fabulous trip, furnishings, clothing, etc. I just want to keep what I have. I just want to stay afloat and happily adjust to the idea that what we have is enough... more than enough.

My parents never lived rich. A minister and a teacher don't have the means to do so but they saved and invested their money wisely and by all appearances are living a pretty fine retirement. I wonder if my generation will be able to do the same? Will my generation survive the losses in retirement accounts, crippling job loss, a failing social security system? Will our homes be paid off? Will our debt be paid off? Will we be able to live out our retirement years visiting grand kids, traveling, pursuing leisure activities we'd put off during our working life? Or, will we work until we die?

Pessimistic contemplation, I know. But those questions are there, lurking right under the surface, poking up their nasty little heads pretty much all the time. And, while I don't often lay voice to these demons, I know many Americans are wondering the same things.

As we move through these next few months, my goals are to stay optimistic, hang out with family A LOT, be prepared for the worst and remain grateful for all I have.

One day at time. That's my motto. Most days this works just fine.

VSL