Inertia

I so admire those people I know (and there are many) who accomplish whatever it is they set out to accomplish. Those people who just seem to make things happen. It's not that I haven't accomplished a great deal in my life. I have. It's just there is so much more I want to do and to say I've done. Mark it off my list! And when I think about all those things left undone, all those things I hope to do, I get so annoyed with myself. I just don't understand why, if you want it, you don't go for it. Yet, with me, any roadblocks seem to stop the momentum and I just feel stymied.

I know that most things worth pursuing take effort and don't just happen but when I find myself "stuck" it is my natural reaction to back off and just float. And, when I say float I mean the floating can go on for months or even years at a time, with me running on the same schedule, doing the same things, not really moving forward. The result can be a sense of dissatisfaction with the life you've created and a yearning for all those things you desire but seem so out of reach. When I think about it, I guess there is a laziness in settling and not stretching yourself. This is especially easy to do when you are employed full time, working 40+ hours each week and managing your personal life. At those times, there are simply not enough hours in the day. Well, at least that was always my excuse.

The thing is I am at a point in my life where I have the time to make things happen. I have the time to plan and research and analyze exactly what it is I want to see happen in my life. I get so angry at myself when I realize that 6 months of unemployment have slipped by and I've done nothing substantial to really move me forward.

Most mornings I wake up, stretch and think, "Do something." Within an hour or two I've slipped into the sameness of my days- pick up the house, let the dog out, fed the pets, read the paper, peruse the help wanteds, check my email, groom myself, etc. etc. etc. More often than not I do have some sort of agenda for the day- lunch with a friend, an errand to run, house cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping. These tasks fill my days and by evening I usually feel like I've done something and now I can relax and watch TV or read a book or maybe take a walk. All this is well and good but days slip into weeks and I find myself disgusted just thinking of the hours and hours I've wasted just livin' my life.

What do I want to accomplish?

- I need to find a way to make money that brings me satisfaction but is not all consuming.

- I need to write and get something published. All these ideas for novels float in my head and the most I do is create an outline and a summary but rarely do I feel energized enough to actually stick my butt in a chair and write.

-I need to find a way to serve my community.

-I need to find a way to update my house on a budget.

-I need to reach out to those in need.

-I need to spend as much time as I can with my parents and in-laws as they grow older.

-I need to find a way to travel to all the exotic places I yearn to see.

-I need to explore options for renewable energy on our family farms.

-I need to study and learn more about those very farms as they will be passed on to my generation soon, and being a city girl, I know nothing about farming.

-I need to create a healthier lifestyle for myself and my husband. We are on track in some areas and far off track in others.

Inertia... it's a really bad feeling, one that can overcome you with it's weight. It's SO easy to be distracted with the little things required to manage a household and your life. So easy to be distracted planning a major family event like my daughter's upcoming wedding. So easy, to drift and float and let the days run one into the other.

My middle aged self knows life is short. I am most likely more than half way through my life. Letting the days turn into months, then into years is really rather irresponsible. Yet, for right now, I CAN'T SEEM TO MOVE.

I do know though, if my past life has shown me anything, it has shown me that these times of inertia are often followed by brief periods of extreme change and activity. Enough activity to satisfy for a long time, enough activity to make one exhilarated and weary at the same time. I suppose I am just waiting for the explosion. I just wish I were more the type that makes the change happen, rather than the type that waits for it to find me.

I am ready.... FIND ME, FIND ME.


VSL