I've got to get a job!

I lost my job on February 3, 2009. Due to budget constraints, the position I held was eliminated. I can't believe it's been nearly four months and still no prospects on the horizon. I'm discovering I'm just not cut out for job hunting. Well, it's not a big revelation. I don't have much experience in that arena, preferring something just fall in my lap.

My work history isn't exactly an example of a highly motivated, career minded person. In high school I started a couple jobs just to quit a few weeks later. Work just cut into my social life. Not that I'm proud of that but it's the truth. In college I needed to provide my own spending money and took a work/study job through the university I attended. I can't say I was a stellar employee. Calling in sick was more than an occasional occurrence but probably a typical one for a college student.

Once I graduated it was imperative I find work to help pay the bills. It was the natural progression after graduation and I wanted to work, to feel grown up and have that extra money we so desperately needed. I also wanted to work somewhere really cool and so landed a job with a television station in the promotions department. I loved the job but still didn't really shine. I did what I had to do and was happy to leave at the end of the day. I ended up being fired when a new station manager was hired and brought along his own staff. It was devastating. I felt like I'd let myself and my husband down. Despite the fact that a fair number of people also lost their jobs, it still felt really, really embarrassing.

Soon after I discovered I was pregnant and began my years as an at-home mom. Now this was something I was good at. I have never been a lazy person, just someone who wants to manage their own life and to create the kind of balance that works for me and keeps me sane. I was my own boss and that suited just fine.

Truth is, bosses aren't my thing. I've always hated the feeling of someone having power over me- the power to tell you what to do, the power to evaluate your performance, the power to make your life miserable and most of all the power to change your life monetarily. So, stay at home I did for close to 15 years. Along the way I brought in extra cash through a variety of meaningless, sometimes humiliating jobs: stocking greeting cards, babysitting and making cold calls to hateful people. Because my heart was never in these jobs, once again I never excelled. But than again, if you ask me, who would want to?

Once my kids were in school I worked for the school system as a reading para. It wasn't a bad job. There were aspects I really enjoyed. In the mornings I left when my kids left and arrived home when they arrived home. I had the same holidays and summers off. It was a good transitional job for someone who had been out of the work force so long.

After a move to another city, I started working part time for the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization. I stayed for 8 years; moving from part time Case Manger to full time Program Director. Now this was a job I loved. I loved the mission, I loved my co-workers, I loved the job description and I loved the challenge. I blossomed and became a hard working, dedicated employee with definite gifts, of which I was proud. And, when it was time to move on I continued in the volunteer management field working for a global humanitarian organization that challenged me in ways I never even imagined. The biggest challenge was leading a group of doctors to the Central Asian country, Kyrgyzstan. Traversing the culture, the language, the egos of the volunteers and being away from home for nearly a month was mind blowing. I wasn't sure my middle aged body could keep up with my much younger co-worker but I did. For this I was proud and came home feeling like I could do anything.

And... then they eliminated my position and threw me to the world of the unemployed. At first I felt shock and dismay. Not only had I lost my job but now I had to do one of the things I hate most in the world- get a new job. Interviewing is so unnatural. You have to be so on, even if you've had a crummy day, even if you aren't particularly interested in the position, even if you just aren't connecting with the person doing the hiring. I don't generally get too nervous. I think that's because I really believe I'm a catch and if these stupid people don't see it that way, that's their problem. See - not a good attitude. But, once again they have the power...

And I hate the fakeness of the whole thing. While on the outside I'm smiling and touting my virtues, on the inside I'm scrutinizing the physical work place, the interviewer, the atmosphere, the job description, the culture. More often than not they fall far short of what I am looking for. Yet the very nature of the situation requires me to act as though I would just love to work for you and your wonderful organization. Usually I leave thinking I did a good job. I looked great, I'm very qualified.They'd be crazy not to hire me. I've worked long enough with all ages to know that hiring someone older and settled with a strong work ethic should be an employer's dream. Well, it should be but the competition is fierce right now and you have to be the cream of the crop to get a lousy low paying, work your ass off job. Afterwards, you wait for the call. The call that in this economic climate rarely comes.

In the meantime, I feel the guilt of the unemployed. Guilt that I'm not contributing monetarily, guilt that I'm not working while my husband does, guilt that I lost my job... So, what do I do? Overcompensate, by getting the house in shape, finally completing those projects you just don't have time to when you work, taking on household tasks that have never been my responsibility- like mowing. I think I've mowed maybe 4 times in almost 30 years of marriage. Now I do it more often than not. Weirdly I like it. I like all the physical things I am doing around the house that I left to my husband. I've actually lost weight just being productive at home. All those hours spent each day at a desk doesn't help with the pounds. I exercise more, I help my kids with their projects. I am entirely accessible to my extended family. It feels great to be able to help, to have the time to help and not be doing it grudgingly after a long day at the office.

I could get use to this life. I love puttering around my house, moving at a slower pace, lunching with friends, answering email promptly, reading more, watching movies, staying up late and sleeping in. Problem is, always in the back of my head is this thought, "I've got to get a job."

So... each morning starts with perusing job sites. Weekends end with filing my unemployment claim and as each week passes and I get more and more accustomed to this new way of living, I realize how hard it's going to be to do the 9-5 thing again and I wake up slightly panicked knowing that a new job is looming. It's not a choice. I have to get a job... Guilt, Panic, Anxiety.

Then a glimmer of hope- maybe I'll win the lottery, maybe one of my money making schemes will come to fruition, maybe my husband will get a huge promotion, maybe, maybe...

Whatever... I've got to get a job. Crap.

VSL