30 Years Married!!!

Today is my 30th wedding anniversary. That's just crazy because you document the number and acknowledge the truth of the number but it just sounds like we must be a couple old geezers. And, while I don't exactly feel young and I firmly believe life experiences have only made me better, I sure don't feel old. Yet, here we are, 30 years married. What?

I can't even remember what it felt like to be newlyweds. We married young. I was 20 and Craig was 22. We moved three hours away from friends and family and went home every weekend; not yet ready to be completely grown up, still wanting to hang with our college friends and be catered to by our parents.

Weekdays found us poor, in a small apartment, eating budget meals and counting pennies (literally) to go buy an ice cream or some other treat. Weekends found us mooching off our parents and partying with friends. The first year went relatively smoothly. We'd been together long enough that there weren't any big surprises. I was fortunate to have married a man who loved deeply and put a lot of effort into making sure I was happy. That treatment has continued all our married life.

Those early years were full of firsts: first pet, first house, first child (then a 2nd and a 3rd). There was barely time to breathe, let alone contemplate what we wanted out of our life. And, there were tough times. Times when one or the other of us was discontented, stressed, filled with doubt. Is this all there is? Where's the fun? What happened to all those dreams we had? Or, maybe I should say, I had. Craig wasn't (and still isn't ) much of a dreamer. He doesn't need much beyond food, home and family. I think that may be true of many men. While we women suffer needs and wants in a more profound way.

Turning 40 was a hard time for me. The kids were in school and while my job wasn't entirely done, I had no earthly idea what to do next. I was stuck and filled with inertia. An inertia that led me to be extremely discontented. I WANTED MORE!!! That need worked its way into the essence of our marriage and we had to do some serious work. It was not an easy time- lots of pain, lots of compromise, lots of anxiety. And... then it eased. That need to see what else was out there, to move beyond my family. We moved and that in itself was an adventure. An adventure that led to a deep healing and a renewal in our marriage. As cheesy as this sounds, I actually heard a phrase for this. Okay, it was on Oprah, but it seriously made sense. I "surrendered to my marriage."

I think the best advice I could give to those contemplating marriage is that it won't be anywhere near perfect, there will be stagnant times, there will be times you don't even like each other very much but if all the basic components are there (basic respect, love of family, similar values, etc.) yet, you still find yourself unhappy, you may find you need to just surrender to what it is. That means accepting your spouse for all his or her shortcomings, and, once you do that, and once you really accept them, the love will sustain.

Those lessons seem basic and simple but until you really need them and apply them, you don't get it. I learned to love my husband for who he is- warts and all. And, I must say he is one of the best men I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. Not only does he put others needs before his own and love his family deeply but he has evolved into one really cool, smart guy. Despite months and years of familiarity, it's amazing how your spouse can still surprise you.

Recently I had to undergo major surgery. While I was out of it on morphine, my sister observed his care of me. (I was a bit psycho at times). She told me , with a catch in her voice, that she had never seen such pure love. I don't know how I got so lucky or how he's put up with me all these years. Really, I'm not being humble here. I can be seriously high maintenance at times.

....But lucky I got.

I have no idea what the future will bring but I do know that we are in it for the long haul. I know that (God willing) I will be there to see him as a grandfather, I will be there when he retires and I will be there to see him old and bent.

Happy Anniversary my lovely husband!

Lucky Me...

VSL